Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in just_a_bullet's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 5th, 2008
6:07 pm	I'm So Scared. Do you ever get that feeling? That one where you know you're in for a huge let down? Where things can go wrong in so many ways? To be afarid of the future? I'm terrified. I'm so scared that things won't end up like I want them to. That it's just all going to go downhill and life is just going to suck till I can't take it. Want to know a secret? My biggest fear is being alone. I can't take it. I hate sitting alone, doing nothing but watching TV when my friends are together having fun. I can't handle that. I hate being left out, but low and behold, it happens all the time. When I feel lonely or left out, I get so depressed and angry. Just that thought that they're together having fun, or not, and me sitting here alone. I usually cry when I'm alone. I can just sit there and scream and cry, and yell, but it doesn't help. I hate being alone. I hate being left out. I just want to do something amazing, ya know? Do something that will get me remembered. I don't want this tragedy I call a life being pointless unless I'll be remembered for something. I want to write an amazing book. One that will get me remembered. I want it to be meaningful though. Not just some romance story like a billion others. I want a meaningful story. But...I don't know how to add that meaning. I'm afraid of that rejection...that no one is going to get it. I'm just not all that amazing, but I want to be. It's silly, I know, but I want to mean something to someone. I don't know...I just feel helpless right now. Just really scared. Current Mood: scared Current Music: The boy who blocked his own shot - Brand New (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 4th, 2008
10:29 pm	You Make Me Feel Ugly I havn't written in so long, but I don't care. I need to say this, and posting in a private jornal just doens't seem like I'm saying it, but posting it here gives a thrill that someone will read it. Mostly, I'm afraid that someone I don't want to read it will. My dad makes me feel ugly. I know he doens't realize it, but he makes me feel incredibly ugly. He just always says stuff like "We can do this if it'll make you feel more comfortable with your body." He's just pointing out that I should feel uncomfortable. And he always tells me that this is disgusting or that is gross, or I'm too tomboyish. And then he makes jokes that make me feel even lower. I smile and laugh, but it hurts. I don't have a fucking beard so he needs to stop saying I do. But it just bugs me how he always says whats wrong with me. What's so God damn wrong with me? You know what?! I'm fucking sorry I can't be perfect. I'm sorry that I can't be his skinny, girly-girl, athlete, and straight-A student all at once. I can only be me, so he needs to stop trying to change me. He's the reason I feel ugly. Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Perfect - Simple Plan (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 30th, 2007
11:27 pm	Down in the Dirt I'm not feeling to great. I just feel like something is wrong...when everything is fine for me. I'm not complainging, but I feel...unhappy. I feel so tired, but I've been going to bed earlier than I usually do. I just feel like I'm losing myself. I feel like I can't write anymore. I feel like I can't do anything more and everyone is taking advantage of me. I'm just a loser and I wish I wasn't, but that will never change unless I face my fears and actually talk to people. I've always had a phobia that I can't talk to anyone without seeming weird...since the only time I talk to strangers is when I'm hyper... and then I seem like a freak. I don't want to be like that...and I know it's going to be like that this school year... I'll just have to actually talk...but talk about what? And when I do try talking to someone, they kind of just ignore me. It's hard. I'm not ever sure who I am anymore. I'm not sure about anything anymore. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Losing Touch by Against me (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
12:42 pm	Nature is a Whore. Yeah. I'm pissed. It's snowing out during my spring break. Spring Break is suppose to be warm and oddly fuzzy! I just wanted to add fuzzy for the hell of it. I don't want snow. I'm sick of the cold and the snow. I'm ready to wear shorts and eat popsicles! I'm actually ready to mow the lawn instead of shovel. I'm ready to go swimming... Snow is gay and I hate it. I wish it would go to hell and melt. Yeah. I'm really hungry. I havn't been eating right all week. No breakfast...hardly any lunch...mostly candy. Plus, I got my period so I'm feeling extra crappy. Yesterday, I was snacking on candy...eating jellybeans and I made my brother laugh. I poped in an egg shaped candy...and I got this shocked look on my face and said "that wasn't a jelly bean!" I ate an egg shaped m&m thing... It was chocolate and I was expecting something fruity. I think I'll have some soup. Well, tis my mother's birthday. She's 40 and I think that depresses her, but she should be happy since some of my other friend's parents are in thir 50's! I didn't even get her anything for her birthday, so I feel kind of bad... But my dad is probably going to stop at a store on the way home and get her a present that he didn't even think about. One time he got her this gay friends game. It was really stupid. He always does this. She thinks it out so much for him, then he just stops on the way home. I hope he gets her a tanning thing again cause my mom doens't mind that. Well, I'm really hungry and tired and I should start writing a short story. Toodles. Current Mood: hungry Current Music: Note To Self - From First To Last (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 8th, 2007
8:45 pm	Fuck you, Stars! Wow. I can't believe I havn't been on since school started. Live has compleatly changed since then. I no long am with Gavin or msn. I also have cable in my room now. I also have a laptop too. I had none of this when school started. At least I don't think. I also have all new classes. My classes now are Spanish II, Algebra, Science, and Art Survey...all in that order. I fucking hate algebra. I mostly get it...and I do amazingly on tests...but On Thursday, I didn't finish the test and my teacher was really mad. What do you expect when we spend half the class correcting 3 assignments? Plus, it's hard for me to tell how long has been 3 minutes. At least it's spring break. I really want to go spend the week and bananadog's house. I miss her. Yeah... I miss you dog. Wellz, I just don't get it... BananaDog is compeatly in love with most sports and I can't get into pretty much anything. They only sports I kinda get into are Football and sometimes tennis. I just never learn names. I'm actually watching hockey though, and it's pretty fun. I hate the Iowa Stars though. Bastards. GO MILWAUKEE!! I've always liked hockey, but never saw it on tv. Wow. I just saw a bunch of boys my age waving around shirts. None were fat. Lol. Sexy. Fuck you star boy. Sorry... I'm getting into it with the T.V. Mario Scalzo should be benched...stupid gay star. LOOK AT THAT FAT FUCK!!! Sorry... I'm getting really excited. GO ADMIRALS!!! God I wish I oculd skate like that...FUCK YOU IOWA!!! I'll stop talking about it now... YOU STUPID WHORE!!! DIE! I fucking love the Admirals logo. I could marry them all. Lol...Igor too. I can't even concentrate on writing this since I'm consumed in hockey. I also need some ideas for a writing contest. I'm going to write compleatly new stuff. THOSE FUCKERS. Iowa needs to stop crowding arould the goal so not even an ant can get through. Fucking cheaters. Well... I'll stop bothing you with my rantings of Hockey. Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: Dashboard by Modest Mouse (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
6:27 pm	Lighting Speed Agility. My first days at high school wern't that bad. I sat in the back of all of my classes. 1st hour I have Comm. Arts honors/World Cultures Honors. The two teachers have 2/4 of my classes for the day. They combine thier lessons to involve both things and they say it works pretty well. Then I have gym. It's not hard. Unfortunatly, we needed gym suits today, and I didn't have one because my mom wouldn't go to the store for one. I had to do gym in my normal clothes and my pants were falling down the whole way. I was pissed off. Then I had journalism. I'm a culture-reporter so we had to think of stories. I really hate this girl Erica. I was looking forward to have my name on an awesome story. She said "Maybe me and Megan can make a big story about the play?" I was pissed. I agreed though because I can not be mean to people I dont like in the biginning of the year. I have B lunch, so durring my journlism class, we cut to have lunch. I have my friend Anna in lunch with me. She likes this guy named Jack and she kept pointing at him. This girl named Tiara is sitting with us, and as a joke I said "Tiara, go ask Jack to go with Anna to home comming" And she went! She didn't ask him, she told him. She told him that anna wanted to go to homecomming with him. Anna was pissed at me. Then, lunch was over and anna ran away. Dun worry, she wasn't mad at me. Then I was walking with Tiara and i asked her waht happend. And little ol' stupid me said "You were suppose to ask him" then she tells this kid, Anthony, to go and ask Jack out for anna. he agreed. We're still waiting on Jack's reply. I hope he says yes. *preys*. I went back into Journalism and started working on my story. I got some names of kids who I'm giong to interview. 4th hour came. The day ended. Nothing special. I'm already tired of school. The bus ride was horrible. It started raining hard! And there was hail. Everyone was trying to close thier windows and the top thing was open so a kid tried to shut it and an alarm went off. The kid didn't know what to do, so he sat down. The bus lady stopped the bus and tried, but she couldn't get it to shut off, so she went on riding with taht god damn alarm going off. She was having a hard time and it was raining so hard. She kept doing what she could and some cars stopped because it was hard to see. I ran to the house when It got to my stop and i was really wet. Then my brother tells me to go back and get he mail! I did. My pants were falling down the whole way. I got the mail and shoved it under my shirt to protect it and didn't feel like holding my pants up as I ran, so I just walked. i wanted to hug a tree when I got home becuase this book i'm reading said it would connect me to the spirt world and it would help rid my mind from depression. No chance of that in this weather. On my way back to the house i said "I did not want a shower" I got in and yelled at my brother to get me a towel. I took my pants off in the kitched and got dressed. Today was pretty crappy. Sorry anna, i'm to annoyed to read. bye. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: A is for Action by IMA Robot. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 4th, 2006
7:37 pm	Boys of Summer Well, Summer is to an end and this is my last night of freedom. I'm a little pissed off because the boy that I love, isn't on and I wanted to talk to him before all my free time is pushed till Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning. They say you're suppose to get 1 hour of homework a night. Thats 4 hours. That takes me to 7. Then I have to make dinner and eat then I usually do some exercise and I need to take a shower and by the time thats done, I'm just going to want to sleep. I doubt it's going to be that way though. We finished school shoppping today. I got socks, underware, and a tiny assignement notebook. I lost all my make-up so I bought some more too. I took it to Anna's in a tiny, hard, cylinder pink plaid purse and I came home and I didn't have it. I don't pissibly know where it is, but I like the new stuff we bought. The make-up isles were litterily stripped of most make-ups. I couldn't find the kind of eyeliner I liked so I had to get Mary-Kate and Ashley eyeliner. It works fine. Then I got this huge as thing of eyeshadow and some mascara. All my socks are black. I also figured out what was wrong with my shoes. My heels kept slipping out of them when I bar-laced them, but I didn't go all the way up becuase I was afraid I didn't have enough lace to finish it. I did. Now they don't slip off, but I wore them yesterday to a bar and to a farm so I need to wash them. I havn't layed out my clothes yet, but I know what I'm going to wear. I'm going to ware some camo pants, my old camo hoody, and I'm not sure what shirt yet. Maybe Angels and Airwaves. Maybe From First To Last. Maybe FLCL. Yeah. FLCL. I feel really bad too. Saturday, I was alone, and bored. Nothing to do and I did the stupidest thing imaginable. I hope you wont tell anyone, but I smoked. I knew it was a horrible thing, but I wanted to try it. I knew where my mom hid them, so I pulled one out and It was my dads brand. It was horribled. The smoke burned my nose, eyes, and throat. I was stupid enough to try a 2nd one. My moms brand. I thought it might be better, but it wasn't. I was disgusted with myself afterwards. I wanted to take the taste out of my mouth and my fingers smelt like it. It was horrible. I never want to touch one again and I feel really bad. I want to tell my parents, but I probably never will. I felt sick becuase of it and now I feel sick because of school. I'm to short. I need to cut my hair. It's all ratty looking so I'm going to have my mom cut it. So, bye. Current Mood: nervous Current Music: The Emo Song by Adam and Andrew (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 28th, 2006
4:40 pm	Pirates of Fear Well, this weekend I was at hotdogs house. (BTW, I'm not going to comment on entries taht are mostly piectures because they take ages to load. T_T) We had fun. I found the funniest video with Cell singing the meow mix song. Then, we found some cat videos that were just halarious. We also made a joke about sideburns from the new Coke Zero commercial. "Use my sideburn?" XD I was just cracking up when I heard that, but Hotdog didn't see it, so she looked at me like I was fucking crazy. After a while, my mom came to get me to go shopping. I got some Circa Lopez shoes. They're pretty cool, but not what I wanted. I got some new shoe laces, a hoody and a shirt. I barlaced my shoes. I also shopped at old navy for pants and I hated it there. I feel like a loser though. There wern't that many good hoodys...and there was one really cool one, but it was a Misfits hoody. I havn't heard much by them, but I like the stuff I heard, so I bought it. It was that or this really cheesy "The Crow" hoody that was just retarted. And just to make people think I like the misfits more, I bought a shirt. I'm such a fucking loser. Here. I'll show you pics. My Not so perfect shoes. http://shop.pacsun.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10001&catalogId=10001&langId=-1&productId=31829&parentCategoryId=10004&categoryId=14567&sortBy=0 The Perfect shoes I wanted but they didn't have my size. http://shop.pacsun.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10001&catalogId=10001&langId=-1&productId=35866&parentCategoryId=10004&categoryId=14566&sortBy=0 My perfect shoe laces. I am nerd...here me type! XD http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=222672&RN=148 My Misfits hoody and shirt... I'm a loser. http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=180722 http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=214514 After that, we had to go to the Mile to make a trade. Lil' Dave had a panic attack or something and we went to trade vehicles, but my brother went asshole when my mom called and told him to come back with the truck keys and he was almost on the freeway. I started to feel sick, we went home, did some crap, and left to go bowling. We bowled for a few frames, and Lil' Dave started to feel sick. I felt fine by this time. Me and Ashley bought a cheese pizza and a pitch of soda, and the pizza was nasty. I payed for it thought and my brother got all pissed off. I was doing okay for the first half of one game, but Lil' Dave was worring me. By the second game, Lil' Dave was sitting at this table and kept asking one of us to sit by him. I was freaking scard. I would go up do it as fast as I can, which one almost made me hit the litle thing that goes in front of the pins when they're cleaning it, and then I would quickly walk over by him and sit down. He got a bag of ice and said he was feeling okay, and he kept asking me to feel his face if it was hot. After his mom got there, I felt fine. I was still worried though. We went home, I let the dogs out, and we took Ashley home. We spent a while there and when I first walked in Christine, Deanne's sister, said "Your boyfriend almost came." and asked "What?" and she said "Your boyfriend, Jason, but he went to a movie instead." I just thought. 'Shut up. He's cute but it's not like he would ever like me' and after that we just didn't talk about him. Last night, I did my normal routine. Talked to people online, got in bed, watched Gokusen and Samurai Deeper Kyo. Gokusen was practically Half over when I watched it, but both shows were reruns. I think that the next episode of Samurai Deeper Kyo is where Benitora dies... T_T I love that perverted bitch. He likes Miss Yuya. I just cry when it happens. He sacrifices himself just to give Kyo a change to beat "His Majesty" by getting him off his horse. I think it's tonight, but I don't know. When it happens...I'll just cry. I had sort of a bad time sleeping. By 2am, and I'm not asleep, I take pills. It was 1:32, and I didn't want to take pills, so I shut my eyes and tried to sleep. I fell asleep, but I had a dream. I had a dream like the movie Saw II. There were a bunch of us dieing, but there was an old man doing it. Eventually, it was a boy and a girl. And they were planning to attack this old man hiding in bushes and he knew they would kill them. Then he seen some college kids that were "Unfit" to live, so he wanted to kill them. He decided to use any kids that were left alive to help him. He yelled "Anyone still on thier knees once I light this fire will burn." And there was a nerdy boy trying to get up and he lit the fire, and he was suppose to die. Then the old man and the two survivors were walking away and a nerdy boy wearing only underware and a green plastic party hat walked up and marched next to him and the old man said "You should be careful, you're clothes could set on fire." And this is where something wierd happend. The old man through a lit match on the nerdy boy's skin and he started on fire. I felt a warms travel from where the match hid the nerd and all across my stomach. I woke up and it freaked me out. My alarm didn't go off yet, so I kept sleeping on an off untill I eventullay shut my alarm clock off. Then I had a dream I was a little girl, and we were in an attack and we were leaving and then suddenly my grandma didn't recognize me and locked me in the attack and I just watched white noise on the tv. It happend a couple times. Then one time I left before her and some wierd stuff happend. There were twins and guys tackling each other in a pool. I didn't understand it and I dont really remember it. Then it happend again, but this time I found a channel with Dish network and I watched it till I woke up. It was just wierd. Well, today is my last day of lessons. Guitar lessons. I suck at guitar anyways. It's for the better since I'll practicly have no me time this first semester. Well, I better go clean up some fucking puke. bye. Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Say Days Ago by The Used (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 25th, 2006
1:11 pm	FUCK THIS SHIT. I hate this. I had a nice long entry, and LiveJournal would earase it when I clicked update, so I'd go back, and I clicked update, and it gave me an error message. I went back and everything was gone. Fuck it. I'm not writing another one today. Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: You Make Me Smile by Blue October (Comment on this)
12:16 pm	Never Ending Sleep School will be starting soon, and I'm sort of worried. I have 2 honors classes the first semester along with Journalism and P.E. That means it's going to be hard on me. But what really sucks, is that every student should be getting 1 Hour of homework per class, everyday. That means 4 hours per semester and if I get home at 3, I shouldn't be done till 7. Then I do a 1 hour excersize which will take me to 8, and then I only get 1 hour of recreation time on the internet if I take my shower at 10. It just sucks with how busy it might be. I'm not that worried though. Who said the teachers would be assholes and give us homework everyday? Who said they wouldn't give us time to do some assignments? Maybe the homework won't take more than an hour. I hope. *gulp* I still need to get a few more supplies for school, but I'm going to go to Mayfair Mall this weekend to finish my clothes shopping. I'm going to get some new shoes at PacSun and then get a new hoody and shoe laces at Hot Topic. I have to personalize everything. XD Lately, I'm having a hard time sleeping, even after the TV and Radio are off. I just can't sleep. Last night, I took some sleeping pills and I felt thier effect right away. My eyes got heavy, and I layed down. I didn't sleep for about 10 minutes, but eventually I fell asleep. This morning though, I slept through my alarm and my mom came in and turned it off. Who would want "BEEP BEEP BEEP" going off all day. I woke up at 10:30 when Jordan came in and told me to get up, but I stayed in bed and slept off and on till I got up at 11. The sad this is, when going for the sleeping pill, I asked myself what it would be like to die. Just to take a ton of sleeping pills and for my parents to find out the next morning that I'm in an eternal sleep. It makes me think about Anthony Swofford, the writer of 'Jarhead.' He thinks suiscide is couragous. In the Desert, he wanted to kill himself, but he didn't. He said he didn't have enough courage to pull the trigger. He think's a person who just decides that thier life isn't worth living and to actually go through with it is pretty couragous. I agree. As much as I say I want to, I could never kill myself. I'm to afraid. Maybe, one day, when I'm dieing from cancer and suffering, I'll just take 50 sleeping pills and hope I die because I wouldn't suffer as much. Lately, I havn't been dreaming, but I can't sleep and if I do, I wake up. It sucks. I think I have insomnia, but I also think if suffer from Bi-Polar Disorder and Depression. I have my period, and when I have my period, I just want to wear loose clothes and not move around a lot, which means I don't want to exercise. Not only is it gross to be bleeding out my vagina, but to be sweating too?! I would just feel sick and disgusting. I exercised one day, but after that, cramps have been to bad and I just don't want to do it. After it's over, I'll regulate again. I promise. Jordan has been playing DDR a lot and it gives me a lot of time to read Jarhead. I want to finish it before Chilton weekend. On Chilton weekend, me and my mom spend it together. We rent some movies and get some pizza. It's always fun. I want to rent Jarhead. Someone told me that it's pretty graphic in a sexual tense, but I'm mature, and I think my mom wouldn't care. XD Well, I feel like reading. So bye. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Hang Em' High By MCR (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
10:45 pm	Dances of War I'm writing a new story. Not really a story, but my thoughts and how I came to be who I am. I'm taking a break. The first chapter is barley a page long, but the 2nd is already 2, and i'm not done. chapters are rarely that long for me. Latley, I've been exercising a lot, and I actually enjoy it. I always do 40+ minutes of DDR and I would go do 100 crunches on the ab lounge and 25 on each side. I always get this pain in my stomach, but I dont stop. It feels good. Then I'll go and do 25 arm curls on this strech cord, then 50 jab things with the stretch cord wrapped around the pole downstairs, then 25 more arm curls. Today, I added something else. I wrapped this other stretch cord around the pole and tied it around my ankle and pulled my leg up to tone my thights. Those things are huge. If i was a chicken, I'd have some nice juicy legs. I enjoy reading a lot. I cant bring myself to stop reading Jarheads by Anthony Swofford. I enjoy it a lot and I love reading war books. I was reading it when I decided it's some of his thoughts and then things that happend to thim. It's an intresting story, but why can't I make on. My point of view about everything and what brought me up to think this way. Should I stop because my life isn't exciting and involves a world conflict? Because I wasn't there on the battle line? No, I have every right to produce my life in a book, and I'm doing so. My life isn't boring. But i think i'll end up stopping. It's mainly me just ranting about anything. the world and how it's idiotic. my child hood in milwaukee and then the move to no where. maybe i'll post it later. I had a dream a while ago. It was quite stupid. I was a new student at some school and some guy liked me and invited me to go some place. i went to his house and we started leaving but I was afraid of this dog. I lost him and when I got to the area he went, there was a fork in the road. One led to the forest and the other let do an old wooden house. I started heading downt he forsest road when I heard a ton of screams and all these kids come running down from the house and the boy was with them. They didn't tell me anything. They started a camp fire and started talking and I just sat there and said i was going to go home and 3 girls wanted to go with me. one stayed there. We were heading down this road and it turned into a mall with a little train going around it. This part was really stupid. This girl was just walking on the track and out of nowhere the train just hits her and she just splatters everywhere. It was stupid. The girls told me taht they witnessed a bunch of people die up at the house and that the first few were girls and it was all Final Destionation like. This one girl is like "I AM NOT DIEING!" And this train starts comming, and she said "it's not goint to get me!" She intended to avoid it, but it stopped, and she did some sort of roll under the train, and it started. Splat. She died. Me and this other girl just start freaking out and we run near this excalator. then I asked her "Who else died" she replied "Still, 2 more girls!" We see these little girls going on this escalator, and we stop them, but when for some reason, we saw the face of the other girl, so we run to find her. one guy started asking where one of the girls was because she was his girlfriend, and we told them what happend. They all started freaking out and we all hopped in this truck and then I remember seeing this truck up near the woods. Then I start watching these two guys staring at the house, waiting for something to happen. Then they start going up the trail to the house to investiage the screams and one guy starts going through the door like it was wax. He breaks throught and this room is just scary. It's dark, there is dust everywhere and it just had that creepy feel to it. Then one hunter starts telling his friend that this place smelt like...he turned around and saw his friend was gone and there was blood onthe ground... and he finished his sentence by saying blood. Then he turns around again and see's his guy with long black hair comming at him and his friend is out side with no head. Then I wake up and I just have that feeling in my guy that everything is fucked up. I always feel bad for the people that die when I read about it or in my dreams. thats what happend. i'm tired. bye. Current Mood: sympathetic Current Music: A Decade Under the Influence by Taking Back Sunday (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 21st, 2006
10:10 am	200?! Last night, I couldn't have felt more crappy. I figured out that when I look at the records... It shows this line of your weight, and You have to change it everytime you exercise... and I weighed myself...and It said I weighted freaking 200lbs! I start exercising but it just bothered me so much. I was angry that I messed up only 4-5 times on the course and It failed me... So I called Anna and just start balling my eyes out about being 200lbs. I get off the phone with her and sat there crying. Then I called my mom and asked if the scale could be wrong while my brother was there, and I started crying again. Then I sat down, and my brother started yelling at me saying that DDR is doing nothing for me. He said that all my fat was on my stomach and arms. I've only been doing DDR regularily since friday. My mom said that mussel weights more than fat and I'm gaining weight because I have so much mussels in my legs. I calmed down and continued my exercise and my brother left. I did 40 minutes then some. Then I went on the Ab Lounge and did 100 crunches the normal way, and 25 on each side. Then I pulled out a stretch cord and stepped on the bottom and started pulling it up to work out my arms. Then I wrappd the stretch cord around the pole and did jab things 50 times then I did 25 more of the first way I did it. I felt the burn, but I felt so great. And when I weighed myself in the end, It said I lost 6 lbs doing that! I felt like I was on top of the world. I had the wierdest dream last night. I was in college or something and there was some guy that liked me. He had a big nose and semi-long brown hair down to his chin. Honestly, It looked like Gavin with his hair different. I think we started dating or something, but it totatlly skipped over that stuff. Something bad happend, and I was envolved. There were 6 of us. 4 guys, 2 girls, and we were all talking about what we were going to do. Someone said, "Take off your clothes" and we were all skeptical about why. They explianed that it was the only way to get rid of all he evidence, but we have to wash them soon. Then we divised an evil plan to make sure we didn't get in trouble. It skipped over the talking of the plan too. Then I went back to my room and all I know was that I was feeling bad. I was just about to close the door when the boy walked in front of the door and asked if I was all right. I said yes and I kissed him. We kissed a couple more times and I told him that I'll talk to him later. I closed the door and it skipped to the next day. I was at a wedding, in a cheap wedding dress...getting married to one of the guys getting married. The boy and the girl that were dating got married, 2 guys got married and one guy who was the "husband" kept calling the other guy a woman. I just started laughing. Then it was me and the other guy, and It cut off from there. I'm just like "WTF!" And then the people who wern't getting married went and started planning more stuff... they started a lawn mower and it went flying into a wall where it broke glass...and I'm thinking, what was the point of that. Then all I see is this really long white thing with flowers on it going out of control and the people started screaming that I was in there. It was just so wierd. It going flying off and these people start chasing after it. Then this bus/van looking thing just flys past and turns around fast and the door opens. The 4 people that were married started stepping in and looked at the driver wanting to know what was going on. There was a guy dancing around a pole, and it was a party bus. They looked at the guy and they noticed him as being a geek they beat up on, and he turned and looked at this guy with a hat on his face saying "Now, why are we doing this?" The guy sat up and the hat slid off and it was that guy I kept kissing! Then I woke up. I woke up and thought about the dream so I woudlnt' forget it like what happens most of the time. I actually wanted to see what happend! It's like a suspence movie! Wellz, I think I'll go exercise so much becuase I love feeling like that. Current Mood: energetic Current Music: Pennsylvania by The Bloodhound Gang (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 20th, 2006
4:38 pm	Fat Club Sometimes, I feel like the world is the most beautiful thing in the universe and it there is hardy anything that needs to be fixed, but other times, I feel like it deserves to be destroyed. Right now, It's mixed. I hate how fat I am. I've been feeling pretty shitty since yesterday. I weighed myself, and I still weigh freaking 194 pounds. I feel like nothing is ever going to change. What makes me feel more like shit is when I hear about how well Anna is doing on her weigh loss. She does all this exercise and she can fit in an 11. I'm just a huge fat cow. I'm happy for her, but I just wish I could do that. I stopped eating meat and stopped eating a whole lot. I'm eating healthy and exercise when I can and nothing is working. I want that shit that says they are worth $150, Slimfast, anything. I'm tired of being fat. I feel so numb inside and I just feel like nothing is working living for. Other times, I feel like I have everything to live for. I have people who love me, and if I wasn't fat, I'd be a hot momma. Last night, some lady said I was extreamly pretty, and I was wearing this shirt that made my boobs look huge and my body look thin, plus I had a sweatshirt covering up my fat ass. For some reason...I feel violent right now. I just want to lock myself in a room and rip something, beat something up. I want to beat someone up. Out of everything that makes me hate myself, this song makes me feel so happy. Like I can change myself to be who I want. I just need to try harder. I've been doing 40 minutes of DDR for the last couple of days, and I feel great when I'm done. I just need to do more and some other crap I guess. But I still fit in a couple pairs of pants I wore in the 7th grade, so I must not be as fat as I think. I hate being fat though. Me and my friend on Gaia were talking about how fat we were, so now I want to start a guild for fat people. To bad I don't have 20k though. That's what I'll save up for! I think I'll go work out...I need to get skinny because I want to be a hot mamma! XD Current Mood: jealous Current Music: Dreams by the Cranberries (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 17th, 2006
10:04 pm	Pirates and Field-F***ings I had an eventful day today. This morning, my alarm went off, and I pushed snooze, woke up 15 minutes later by the alarm again, pushed snooze again and grabbed my cat and pretty much muffled him against my chest as I snuggled him and fell asleep again. The alarm went of 15 minutes later and I just turned my alarm off and my cat was still there...snoozing. Gotta love him. I got up and kinda walked around the house for a minute before grabbing the broom. I took it in my room, took my bedding off, and thew it all in the hall way. Then, I started thrusting that broom under my bed to get everything out. After I got most of it out, I started reaching under to get the rest. I went through all the papers laying around my room and found songs Izz wrote, pictures Ashley's friend Amanda drew, and a whole bunch of other things. I saved some and threw away the rest. After I threw my sheets, bed skirt and pillow cases in the wash, I started on my closet, but my mom told me to get in the shower becuase she wants to leave. I got in the shower, we left. We went to her 'exercise' class first becuase she needed to drop off some paperwork. Then we went to Goodwill for pants for me. None fit. I just bought a book called Jarheads that the movie is based off of. I read 35 pages already. It's really good. Then we went to Target. I hate wasting my moms money, but Donnie Darko was there for only $10! I had to get it. Then, we got cereal and some other stuff. Then we went to the movie. We saw Pirates of the Caribbian: Dead Man's Chest. I was really open ended and *skip if you havent seen it* Jack died! *done* After we got home, I finished cleaning my closet and cleaned up my room and went outside with the boys and read. I read Jarhead. It explained a lot in the first few chapters, but in the last chapter I read...Was very Intresting. They had these things called MOPP suits with gas-maks and everything in the marines. For the media, they had to play football in them, and one guy tackled this other guy instead of the original plan of just touch football. Then some guy yelled "FIELD-FUCK!" and they bent the guy over and started gang raping him, but with clothes, so it wasn't that bad. After that, Me and Jordan went in to play video games because BJ had to help my dad with the car. We played the way we usually play. Soul Caliber III, Soul Arena. 8 fights. Long period of time, very little gold won. Then I started going through all this stuff and found something funner. Missions. We had all these different circumstances that we had to win in. The one we played the most was The one where you had a bomb, and you had to hit your opponent and run away and not let them hit you so it explodes on them. We earned a lot of gold from that. It was fun. After a while, Jordan got angry becuase he couldn't beat it anymore, so we played DDR. I put him on this training mode and he was doing okay, but couldn't hit the down arrow well enough, so I took that over for him and he started complaining that it was to hard. "Too hard?! Let me show you what's to hard" is what I said to him before I went to play 'Captain Jack' on Light mode. When Anna and I played that, she gave up, but we had been playing for a while. I went all the way through, but now, I showed him how hard it was and he just stared in awe. I was all panting hard when I was done and got an 'A' and then I said "Now....Isn't...That...Toooo...hard....for you?" It was funny. Then when Andrea and my mom got back from their stripping class I did it again, and I was amazed. I got All GREATS AND PERFECTS. And I got a AA! I was so thrilled. Then my mom told me that she could never do it because she can't think that fast. I'm getting pretty good, but now Jordan is hooked on DDR. He didn't want to leave after saying "That's why I dont like you" all day. Little jerk. I guess I wrote enough, but I am tired. I want to watch Gokusen and Samurai Deeper Kyo, but Samurai Deeper Kyo started over after Benitora died... T_T and I don't about Gokusen. It must have started over somewhere because I saw the last couple episdoes. Wells, nighty night. *edit* My mom strained her mussel in her legs today, and just took down her pants to show me lines on her leg. *throws up everywhere* I'm a dork. Current Mood: dorky Current Music: Mother Mother by Terry Bonham (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 14th, 2006
9:44 pm	Cages and George. I had a busy week. On Friday, I babysat James and he got into a bag of flower and JoJo started eating it. That was halarious. Then, on Saturday, I had to go to my gay friends Birthday Party. I had fun. I was eating meat and didn't realize it. I'm a dumbass. Yesterday, I went to State Fair, so I'll tell about that. On Sunday morning, I woke up late and my dad started barking orders at me right away. He told me to make him a cup of coffee, get him a pack of cigarettes, sweep the kitchen, sweep it again to get the stuff I missed, and get him another cup of coffee. I was pretty pissed. After that, We all got ready to go to the fair. Of course, Uncle Ed, Aunt Dee, Ashley, James, and Ashley's friend came. It was annoying. First, we had to wait for them to get in the fair, but I got to eat a foot long corn dog and doughnuts. While we were waiting, me and BJ went to check out the Ejection Seat. I wanted to go on it so bad, but it was so much money! When we were over there, this guy and a lady went on. The lady was just laughing, but the guy was saying "OH SHIT! OH SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT! OH SHIT!" The whole time. They had it on speakers which was just GREAT! After they came in, we were waiting for Andrea and Jordan to get out of this place they were walking around it. Of course, Dee, Ashley, and her friend wandered in there to get some extra points for thier cell phones or some crap, and we had to wait for Dee to get out of the bathroom, and Ashley and her firend, Erika, was with her. I didn't want to go to the Rides area, Midway, without them, so Bj, Jordan, and I waited for them, and my dad told me to go. We went and then we went on a ride once, and Ashley was down there. We went on with Ashley while her stupid friend Erika went and bought a wristband. After that, we went on more rides till I ment my friend Amber, then I ditched them to go on some of the rides where we go upside down. I went on The Zipper. That was fun! We were in this little cage thing and it was so tight on you, but I'm happy it was! My friend was rocking it and I started to joke with her and scream and say "OH SWEET JESUS! OH HELP ME GOD! HELP ME TOM CRUISE. HELP ME PETER PAN!" And some other stuff. It was funny. When we went on Spin-Out. And then Kamakazi. I started to get nautious on Kamakazi. Then BJ called and told me we had to go by my dad because he wanted to. I was sort of pissed. We walked around and I sucked down half a soda, and bj was suprised. We got back, My mom bought me a smoothie, and I sat down. After a while, Bj, Jordan, and I went to find a Nascar race game. You pay $3 to race a little car around a track as many times as you can before the guy turns it off, and I played a couple times and Jordan played for a bit too. After that, I got a crape and we headed back down to Midway, but not for a while. My feet hurt, so I told them not to run. Of course, then ran. I was standing there, all pissed off, when I noticed some shops in a dead end place and some pictures hanging. I got closer and noticed it was a Wall Scroll of Cloud. I went up and started looking around. I bought one thing. All 6 episodes of FLCL for $18. That's less then I payed for 2 episodes! I almost bought Sora's necklace, but it was $30. Then Bj and I wandered over to a shop around the corner and bought 3 Crucifixes. Sweet, ya? We went on some rides till they shut them down, and left. Then we went to George Webb's! IT WAS GREAT TO BE BACK THERE! it was Delicious too... I had an intresting day today too. I woke up, lounged around, lounged around some more, and my dad was home. Then we had to mow the lawn. I was pissed off when my dad started doing BJ's job and I had to do my own. I was getting started and I pulled the cord really hard and I flet a sharp pain travel up my shoulder and hit me in the jaw super hard like a brick. I fell to my knees and started crying like a baby, and BJ did a tiny bit of mine for me. I was getting pissed off because I was being hit by trees, then, I was bit by a fucking fly! Then, I cut next to the shed and dead debree hit my legs and it hurt so bad. When I was done, I went inside and my dad told me to do a better job around the pool, so I went out with some giant scisors and chopped most of them down. I was happy when I was done. I've been pretty depressed the whole weekend though. The whole weekend, I couldn't talk to Gavin, and it was pissing me off. I have anger issues, I know, and I was punching and kicking objects around becuase I couldn't talk to him. I was actaully worried that something had happend to him or he was going to break up with me. I was just stupid. I'm tired and bored. Bye. Current Mood: listless Current Music: The Crows Are Comming for us by From First To Last (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 10th, 2006
11:25 am	Lockers and Money School starts September 5th and it sucks. I have no classes with any of my friends, as far as I know, and my locker is far away from all of thiers. I have lunch with one of my friends. The school is just huge and scary, and I seen most of the kids. I feel like I'm a midget. Using a map, I can tell where all my classes are and where my locker is. My brother's locker is really close to mine, but I hate it. This sucks. What pisses me off the most is that I didn't get a class I wanted. Instead, I got a class I could've skipped, Art Survey. I'm kind of worried about my first semester. I have 2 advanced classes, and journalism. It's going to be hard. This is just a really bad week. I've cleaned the bathroom at least 5 times this week and I have to do it again. This time I have to wash the nik-naks and pictures. The last thing I have to wash is the walls. I can't believe it. Not the tub walls, the walls themselves with paper on them and stuff. This is rediculous! Last night, my dad called me a spoiled brat!! How can he call me that?! He doesn't even buy me anything. My mom does, and I do more work than anyone in this house. I clean, I cook, I take care of the animals. I'm sick of this. Like I said. This is a really bad week. My mom had to pay for tuition, which was a lot. And now, I found out that Hot Topic is haveing a sale till Sunday, and guess what... I don't have money becuase Andrea never payed me! I want to ask my mom to pay for me, then I'll just pay her back when I get some money, but I don't think she has the money from paying the tuition. This just suck. Life is shitty right now, and I am tired of it all. I think I'll go take a nap and start cleaning since I'm just the fucking slave. I don't know why my dad calls me the maid, because I don't get paid! I'm sick of all of this! Bye. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: Bury Me In Black by My Chemical Romance (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
12:27 pm	Ramen and Dream-scapes Hello dears. I feel miserable today. Well, I woke up and got on the computer. My mom called me and told me that she got my packet from school and that she forgot to leave me a note. My dad wanted me to scrub the whole bathroom. I got pissed off. He wanted me to do it just becuase I didn't scrub the sink. I got it done. It took a couple hours. I grabbed some sprey crap and sprayed it everywhere. That includes the tub, the toilet, the sink, the table, the floor. The tub walls. Everything. I grabbed this little sponge thing with this scrubby crap around and started scrubbing like crazy. I did the floor and moved to the sink and the sink didn't look any different. Then I went to the tub and I was sliding all over it. I was a witch on a rampage like in Howl's Moving Castle. I was just attacking every little stain I saw. I missed a spot, but oh well. I was working hard and then i turned around and my foot was cut by the drain. It hurt. And now I have white suds all over my legs, and while I was cleaning, it felt like the suds were burning my skin. But I finished. This morning, I didn't eat anything beacause I woke late and decided to wait till lunch to eat. The place I am truly happy is my dream state where no one can get me. Its just an emptry world where I can make anything I want happen and I don't need anyone's permissions and I don't need anyone I don't want in it. What I like the most, is just the emptiness of it all. Just to feel like I'm floating in space. You can't really tell that you're asleep, but I feel like I'm in oblivion and very few things are going to get me. I just feel so happy and calm when I'm there. I guess that's what death is. Just flaoting into nothingness and no one can touch you. I always wonder what death is. It's hard to tell. Maybe I should drown and die then see what its like and then maybe if someone will save me. Drowning is a horrible way to die, but so is baking and crashing through a tanning booth. XD Well, I'm eating chicken FLAVORED ramen and grape koolaid. It's delicious. Life isn't that hard being a vegetarian. I eat lots of fruites and then noodles. I feel fine, but my mom wants me to take iron vitamines. I need protien vitamins, but we can't find them, but I feel great. I feel like playing DDR. I do believe I went crazy today. I was so pissed off when my mom told me that my dad wanted to scrub the bathroom. I started screaming and crying and then I punched the wall really hard a few times, and now my knuckles hurt. Oh well. I love my mom. Last night, we went bra shopping since I broke the underwire in my old bra. I just wanted one and we walked out with 4. We were shopping at the clarence rack, and I liked this yellow one and she grabbed it. Then I wanted this cute little red one and she grabbed that one. Then we went to then normal priced stuff, and she grabbed me this cute little black one then a white one. My favorite is the yellow one. It had underwire, no padding, its yellow, had a cute little bow on the front then this ribbon stuff around it and the straps are ribbon. It's cute. Then the black one is normal, exept the stuff that goes around my body is lace and it has a little bow on the front. It's sexy. XD But, it's padded. My white one looks like a normal bra, but has a little tiny bow on the front and it's padded! But it's comfy. The red one is pretty. It's a firey red. It's pretty normal, but the straps are like 3 strings connected togehter. It's cool, but it's a WATER BRA! I freaked out when I got home, but I still like it. I'm tired and bored, so I'll be going now. bye. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: Save Me by Unwritten Law (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
10:47 pm	Useless and Anxious Yeah. I'm pissed off. Today, I worked out, cleaned my room, cleaned the bathroom, went with my mom to pick up crap for my dad, went with her to grocery shop, I helped her unpack the groceries, and then my dad comes in and says to me "Wash the table. Do something useful besides being on the computer." HOW CAN HE SAY THAT TO ME!? All he does is work, come home and spend his money on crappy things he wants. He's going to buy a freaking motorcycle. No. A Chopper. When summer started, he used my stereo for music outside, and then he goes out and buy a 5 disc change stereo and it was incredibly nice. He took it, and put it outside. Yeah. He knew how crappy my stereo was, and he put that nice ass stereo outside. All he ever really thinks about is himself. And then he has to go and call me useless. That makes me so pissed off. Maybe I am useless. I really can't do anything right. I can't cook without the microwave and I need directions on what to do and how to clean. I'm not really good at anything. When I write, I leave details out and rush to get it done. I just suck at playing guitar. I suck at singing. All I can do is book crap, and I have no real talent. My brother can drive and he can do all this awesome stuff with his hands. Not me. Tomorrow, I register and I have to take a picture. My mom told me to dress nice. NO. I'll dress like I usually do and I prey my picture doens't look as fucked up as last years did. I'm going to make sure my hair is framing my face, no double-chin, and no retarted expression and DEFINENTLY NO FRIZZY BANGS. I'm mostly nervous about my schedule. I don't know what I'm going to get. Most of my friends got their schedules, but I have to wait till tomorrow. I'm tired and I think I'll go to bed. Untill my life continues, Good night and God Speed. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Lithium by Nirvana (2 Comments |Comment on this)
11:05 am	Death and Paper Work Today isn't a normal day. I went to bed pretty early last night, and I still didn't get up till 10. I would've slept longer if my dad didn't call. I feel bad. I always use to say that I hated my dad, but that is just a big lie. I know he pisses me off, and teases me, but it's no reason to hate him. I don't hate him. I love him, but he pisses me off. He's my dad. When I lose 40 lbs, I'm going to be the happiest fat girl in the world, because I won't be fat anymore. XD. Anways, When I get there, My hair will but cut, colored, I'll have a lip ring, and a drum set. I'm not sure if my dad will let me have all of that, but I know my hair will be cut and I'll have a drum set. I think he might let me dye my hair, but I doubt he'll let me get my lip pierced. I wish I could do all of it. We'll just have to wait and see. But what I want is my hair to be about shoulder length or a little shorter with short choppy layers around my face and side swept bangs. Then I want my hair to bed like... Crimson red with blonde streaks or Black with streaks. It would look awesome. I doubt my dad will let me, but I hope he will. The lip ring...I just want a ring around the lip from the side, not the middle. I don't want a little stud either. Do you think I'd look good? I was suppose to go for registration today, but my mom had to work when I had to go in. So, we have to go on wednsday. I'm excited to find out what classes I get. I'm so nervous and excited, so It makes me feel sick to my stomach. They sent us a sample of the paperwork we have to fill out, I'm scard. It's big, but oh well. At least I don't have to fill it out, my mom does! XD I was bored, and I started singing, which I shouldn't do because I could ruin peoples ears, but I came up with these lyrics: Death comes creepin' 'round the bend. But Noone noticed. I don't understand. Why isn't anyone running and afraid? There are more ways to die today. What do you think about it? Creepy sounding, but oh well. I'm bored and done writing. Bye. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: The Interview by AFI (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 7th, 2006
11:49 am	Stalkers and Hybrid Rainbows My friend Ashley G. is having a birthday party this week, and I was going to go, but my mom is an idiot and thought it was an overnight thing and It's on a saturday... ALWAYS A FUCKING SATURDAY! Anyways... I'm trying to get a hold of Cassie so I can ask if her mom can give me a ride home if my mom takes us to the party. But of course, I can't find her on a messenger and her line is always busy! As for presents for my sweet ol' lesbian friend, I'm going to go to Hot Topic or Spencer's for her gift. I need it to be special since she is one of my best friends. I'm giving Ashley Stevens 2 of my super small MCR shirts for hers... so I can buy 2 new ones... I already have like... 7! I'm going school shopping at the Mall...and my mom is taking me God damn it! I'm also making Ashley something special for her... Well, It's for all my friends, but I'm trying to finish it for her birthday. It's going to be a little video of all my friends and I'm trying to find music from a CD Anna borrowed to me because It's just that awesome! This Cd has a lot of wierd names... A lot to do with Stalkers, but one of the best songs is called Hybrid Rainbow. Yeah. I have to get started on my project. Peace out! P.S. Me and Anna watched the gayest show ever just to see a 10 second clip of Dirge of Cerberus. It wasn't worth it, but I'm happy I saw it. Is Vinny Vampire or Dancing Queen? (look at my icon!) Current Mood: devious Current Music: One Life by the Pillows... they =Luff (2 Comments |Comment on this)